It’s been quite a while

It’s been quite a while since I’ve posted.

I guess it’s just the time between crises.

Last week was another mini crisis. My Dad injured himself working, and had to have surgery, so I had to babysit mum for a couple of days at my house. It’s impossible because she is really deteriorating and now Dad does “EVERYTHING” for her.  When she’s not at home, she is really anxious and confused. I have to work, I work casually, in a new job, I don’t have the luxury of annual leave, sick days, family leave, any of that. I’m trying to get a permanency, so I have to accept every shift I possibly can and be reliable. I can’t let my family problems affect my work life at this point. I get home from work, Mum’s crying because she doesn’t want to be alone. The next day, crying because she doesn’t want to go into a nursing home. At 3am, I have kids coming into my room crying because they are scared of the noises she makes in her sleep. It’s anything but ideal.

The euthanasia debate sparks hot with me and my partner. No matter how hard I try, I just can’t seem to get him to see it my way. He understands that I am pro euthanasia, and thinks it’s a reasonable concept. But doesn’t seem to grasp that if you have dementia, you are out of the euthanasia game because of the mental capacity issue, so the only way to go would be to euthanaise yourself (or commit suicide). He can’t handle the concept of suicide. But can’t grasp that when you lose mental capacity, you tend to get medications forced upon you by your family or your nursing home.  You don’t get a choice, and it’s hard to be firm when you are confused and scared and lost and mentally incapable of thinking complex thoughts and following them through.

I have been saying for years and years, well before mum was ever diagnosed with alzheimer’s that if I ever get it, I hope I have the courage to euthanaise myself. He finds it horrendous, and thinks that me committing suicide would be worse than dragging my family through alzheimer’s again. I am so adamant that I will not live through alzheimers, and he is so adamant that I couldn’t possibly do that to my children. Even though I strongly feel that I’d be doing myself and my family the biggest favour by not dragging them all down with alzheimers again. I’ve been through it with my grandfather (when I was at school), with my mum and my grandmother inlaw. I know that it’s not what I want. I don’t want to be subdued with medications to make myself easier to handle. I don’t want to attempt suicide and then be put on the strongest anti-depressents and put into mental institutions. I just want to take the most humane exit and let my family get on with their life.  And then when I get this brick wall the moment I try to talk about it, I think, I can’t even have a rational conversation about my wishes, so I can’t even discuss it, if and when the time ever comes, because he’d just block me, stick me in a mental hospital at risk of suicide.

So, I’d just have to run off and do it without telling anyone and leave a letter, rather than risk being forced to not carry out my wishes.

My position is strong on this subject, it has been for decades. I’ve spoken about it long and hard with my mum, all through my life, up until now, I’ve  never wavered. And If my mother had the courage to “euthanaise” herself, as much as it would hurt, I’d understand that it’s not worse than 15 or 20 years of suffering through alzheimers. So, I’m on my own, and I know it if I ever have to face it. I know I can’t just fly to Switzerland and get it done professionally for a fee if Alzheimers is a factor. I know I can’t discuss it with medical professionals because it’s a no go zone. I know I can’t discuss it with my partner because of his catholic base beliefs. My children, well I guess I can talk about it over the years as a general conversation, and see how that goes, but in the end, it would be a detailed letter left hoping that eventually the scars would be less from my self inflicted “euthanaisia” than they would from 20 years of alzheimers care and torture. Surely the scars I have are going to be as deep if not deeper than the scars of a very logical, well thought out suicide.

Of course this is only if I get alzheimers, but it’s something I have to think about, because I’ve seen mum go through it, and miss the opportunity, I’ve seen her forced into treatment and medication and accepting that it’s not so bad, and it’ll all be ok. It’s not ok, not ok in any way whatsoever. Her life is miserable, plain and simple. Why would I ever subject myself and my children to what I’ve now had to endure twice. It’s hell. Death, as I’ve said a million times, and will likely say a million more, is the silver lining.

People find it so impossible to discuss the concept of euthanasia and suicide, but then they don’t have the tolerance to deal with the icky business of keeping people alive when there is no point in life. Honestly, my partner hasn’t been to the nursing home to visit his nanna (20 odd years with alzheimers and now 98 years old) he hasn’t been to visit in probably 3 years. But then he has the audacity to tell me that I can’t take matters into my own hands if this fate ever befalls me. I’m sorry, I don’t find that acceptable.  I don’t think that anyone should try and force life upon anyone who doesn’t want to live.

I know it probably sounds morbid, maybe anyone reading this thinks I’m already depressed or suicidal. I’m not, I’d just rather be treated like any good dog and put down once I reach my used by date, once my life has no quality or hope.  Life is not that precious that we should torture ourselves to placate our loved one’s fears and insecurities. Everyone lives, everyone dies, it’s just life.