It's so hard to keep positive. The euthenasia topic is eating away at me. Mum keeps bringing it up and mentioning it. But I know deep down that she doesn't have the will or the conviction to follow through. I know she believes strongly in not prolonging life when the quality of life has gotten bad, and I agree, totally, 100%. I also know, that taking action is a whole different ball game than agreeing with the philosophy that putting people out of their misery at a certain point is a kinder way to go. She can't make a stand on simple issues for herself, how in the hell is she ever going to implement a euthenasia plan?
It's almost as though she thinks she can make a couple of phone calls, sign a piece of paper and get a pill to take that will allow her to not wake up in the morning. Obviously it's not that simple. She is so compliant, she has been taking cholestorol medication. Honestly, if you don't want to prolong your life, you have to pro-actively make decisions to not medicate for things that don't immediately decrease the quality of your life. Dying from a heart attack is going to be a lot easier way out than trying to top yourself, that's for sure. The cholesterol doesn't give her pain or trouble today, so why medicate it?
Obviously, she is not committed to taking her life (and death) into her own hands, so why must she persist in talking about it, when it's just empty. So here I am left stewing over it night after night, when, she is probably incapable of taking the action that she "says" she wants to take. She puts the pressure on me and makes me feel like I should be able to do something to help her.
Wednesday 15 February 2012
Wednesday 25 January 2012
The coming out?!*
So, Mum told me this week that my sister is engaged. My sister has been with her partner for over 10 years, maybe close to 15 years. But it's always been somewhat closeted. I've known forever, and that's all well and good, doesn't bother me in the slightest, we love my sisters partner, she's awesome! But my sister chose to never really openly discuss it or publicise that they were a couple, in her Australian life that is. She lives in London and has done for close to 15 years I reckon, and presume that she's reasonably out and proud in London, but in Adelaide, different story, it's kind of like a badly kept secret that nobody talks about. Everyone kind of knows about, but not exactly.
So it's great news that they are engaged and that she has finally said it out loud to Mum, and apparently Dad is not talking about it. It's wierd, being gay in 2012 is just such a non issue. It's amazing that it still causes so much angst amongst people. To me, it just seems absurd that she just hasn't come out and had the uncomfortable conversation with my parents that she needed to have a decade ago. Now, it's all wierd. Mum is coping ok with it, and totally interested in travelling to the UK for the civil ceremony, but Dad is not.
All I have to say about that is: "Life is far too short to be worrying about shit like that". Seriously, gay / straight, blonde / brunette, black / white, boy / girl ... It's a non-issue these days isn't it? Surely?
To me, marriage means very little. Me and my partner have been engaged for nearly 3 years, been together for nearly 10 years (I think), but weddings and all that, just isn't my bag. I've always been of the opinion that I would elope, or have a very very very small wedding. And I've always been of the opinion that I'll never lower myself to inviting a bunch of people I don't want to invite out of pure obligation. One day we'll probably get married, but we've made our commitments. We've had 2 children together and for me there is no bigger commitment than that. I was always unsure of bringing children into this screwed up world, so it took someone worthy of my faith and trust to help me to do it. We've bought and sold houses, cars and white goods together, we've started a business together, so a ring and a white dress, ain't going to do anything to concrete our relationship. If it's going to succeed or fail, it'll do so with or without the white dress and bonbonnieres quite frankly. A wedding planner I'll never be, all seems like a fantastic waste of time and money to me, I'd rather just go on a holiday and skip the wedding.
I hope dad learns to accept the whole idea of having a gay daughter, because really, it's a waste of time worrying about things we can't change like that. It might lighten his emotional burden just that little bit.
So it's great news that they are engaged and that she has finally said it out loud to Mum, and apparently Dad is not talking about it. It's wierd, being gay in 2012 is just such a non issue. It's amazing that it still causes so much angst amongst people. To me, it just seems absurd that she just hasn't come out and had the uncomfortable conversation with my parents that she needed to have a decade ago. Now, it's all wierd. Mum is coping ok with it, and totally interested in travelling to the UK for the civil ceremony, but Dad is not.
All I have to say about that is: "Life is far too short to be worrying about shit like that". Seriously, gay / straight, blonde / brunette, black / white, boy / girl ... It's a non-issue these days isn't it? Surely?
To me, marriage means very little. Me and my partner have been engaged for nearly 3 years, been together for nearly 10 years (I think), but weddings and all that, just isn't my bag. I've always been of the opinion that I would elope, or have a very very very small wedding. And I've always been of the opinion that I'll never lower myself to inviting a bunch of people I don't want to invite out of pure obligation. One day we'll probably get married, but we've made our commitments. We've had 2 children together and for me there is no bigger commitment than that. I was always unsure of bringing children into this screwed up world, so it took someone worthy of my faith and trust to help me to do it. We've bought and sold houses, cars and white goods together, we've started a business together, so a ring and a white dress, ain't going to do anything to concrete our relationship. If it's going to succeed or fail, it'll do so with or without the white dress and bonbonnieres quite frankly. A wedding planner I'll never be, all seems like a fantastic waste of time and money to me, I'd rather just go on a holiday and skip the wedding.
I hope dad learns to accept the whole idea of having a gay daughter, because really, it's a waste of time worrying about things we can't change like that. It might lighten his emotional burden just that little bit.
Tuesday 24 January 2012
Welcome to the memoirs of a dragon
The dragon being me, because I was born in the year of the dragon, and it was chinese new year yesterday, so the title is here. I will use this to record my lifes events. My memory is like a sieve, so this may serve to be useful later on. So here I am, 35 years old, in a happy defacto relationship with two daughters aged 3 and 5.
This blog is primary for my own benefit, not necessarily of any interest to anyone else. I want to use it to track the progress of my life, but also the life of my mum who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers at 57 years old. She is also looking at possibly getting a Parkinsons diagnosis on top of it, which is pretty hard to cop for her I'd imagine. In the last few years her life has become a living hell as far as I can see. Her and Dad have worked hard all their lives to get to a position of financial comfort. They don't have any debt, own their house, own their cars, have a caravan and everything they needed to retire and enjoy life finally.
And then the bombshell. What started with anxiety / panic attacks and depression, lead to an Alzheimers diagnosis. Then deterioration of her back and the beginning of tremors may continue on to a Parkinsons diagnosis. As it is at the moment, her doctor doesn't even want to go near Parkinsons, she's still trying to accurately track her progress with the Alzheimers medications. So this year could be another big year.
Dad, well as a control freak from way back, is obviously struggling with how he's coping. He's just taking more control of her, and trying to control things that are well beyond his control, as will become increasingly obvious as the months and years pass. It will be interesting to say the least to see how he deals with the progression of mums demise. And interesting to say the least to watch how mum digresses, to see her true colours come out after years of repression.
I see people, and how they deal with terrible illnesses, and mum, so far has not proven to be a fighter. She seems to have given up on all hope that she will be able to make any of her own decisions for her life and death. Mum is a nurse, who has worked in aged care and dealt with dementia through her work as well as her own father living through it. She is a big believer of euthenasia and taking control of her life while she can still make these decisions. While Dad seems to have a pathological fear of death and won't even enter into those kinds of conversations. So with him as her next of kin, I'm doubtful that her wishes to die a peaceful and timely death will ever eventuate.
Sad but true.
I know that's a pretty full on first post. But that's where it's at!
This blog is primary for my own benefit, not necessarily of any interest to anyone else. I want to use it to track the progress of my life, but also the life of my mum who was recently diagnosed with Alzheimers at 57 years old. She is also looking at possibly getting a Parkinsons diagnosis on top of it, which is pretty hard to cop for her I'd imagine. In the last few years her life has become a living hell as far as I can see. Her and Dad have worked hard all their lives to get to a position of financial comfort. They don't have any debt, own their house, own their cars, have a caravan and everything they needed to retire and enjoy life finally.
And then the bombshell. What started with anxiety / panic attacks and depression, lead to an Alzheimers diagnosis. Then deterioration of her back and the beginning of tremors may continue on to a Parkinsons diagnosis. As it is at the moment, her doctor doesn't even want to go near Parkinsons, she's still trying to accurately track her progress with the Alzheimers medications. So this year could be another big year.
Dad, well as a control freak from way back, is obviously struggling with how he's coping. He's just taking more control of her, and trying to control things that are well beyond his control, as will become increasingly obvious as the months and years pass. It will be interesting to say the least to see how he deals with the progression of mums demise. And interesting to say the least to watch how mum digresses, to see her true colours come out after years of repression.
I see people, and how they deal with terrible illnesses, and mum, so far has not proven to be a fighter. She seems to have given up on all hope that she will be able to make any of her own decisions for her life and death. Mum is a nurse, who has worked in aged care and dealt with dementia through her work as well as her own father living through it. She is a big believer of euthenasia and taking control of her life while she can still make these decisions. While Dad seems to have a pathological fear of death and won't even enter into those kinds of conversations. So with him as her next of kin, I'm doubtful that her wishes to die a peaceful and timely death will ever eventuate.
Sad but true.
I know that's a pretty full on first post. But that's where it's at!
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